


Only a Kiss

by kams_log



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 11x09 coda, Angst, Comfort/Angst, Developing Relationship, Episode: s11e09 O Brother Where Art Thou, Friendship/Love, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Past and Possible Non-Con, Implied Relationships, Lots of Talking and Comfort, M/M, Stolen Kisses (not the good kind), Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 17:32:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5425727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kams_log/pseuds/kams_log
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“She kissed me.”</p>
<p>There it was, hanging in the air between them. The words sucked a vacuum in the air and Dean could feel each syllable sticking to his skin. He wanted to claw it off, tear the words away and take them back before Castiel could hear. But it was already too late, and Castiel stared at him in a mixture of confusion and anger. </p>
<p>All Dean felt was horror.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only a Kiss

“She kissed me.”

There it was, hanging in the air between them. The words sucked a vacuum in the air and Dean could feel each syllable sticking to his skin. He wanted to claw it off, tear the words away and take them back before Castiel could hear. But it was already too late, and Castiel stared at him in a mixture of confusion and anger. 

All Dean felt was horror.

It hadn’t started out that way. It had started with Dean slamming the bunker doors and rushing to the library, desperate to find anything that could help Sam and get him out of that damned cage. He’d barely had time to think; he couldn’t remember driving home after hearing the news.

He needed to rescue his brother. Seeing Castiel was an unexpected blessing and curse.

Cas had questions that Dean couldn’t answer. He knew too little about what happened and his mind was still reeling from Amara and  _the kiss_. 

That’s how he referred to it now, in the safety of his mind. He couldn’t erase the feeling of her lips, the electric shock that slammed through his body. His heart felt like it stopped beating and the air was sucked from his lungs. Kissing her was like suffocation, or drowning. He knew he needed to breathe, but something about her pulled him and demanded him to keep holding on to the very thing that he was afraid of. 

He didn’t like Amara. Whenever he was alone, he knew it in the pit of his gut that he didn’t want her, and certainly not like that. But every time he was confronted with her face, it was like all his thoughts and feelings were washed away. He felt... blank. He was a white canvas in a white room, and Amara held a bucket of paint. 

“Dean, slow down, let me help.”

Castiel’s voice was soothing. His hands touched Dean’s trembling fingers and pulled them away from the books he’d thrown across the table. Dean watched, numb, as Castiel sorted out the mess of books and papers until they were recognizable and organized. Dean stared at them as Castiel nodded and began researching with him.

“How did it happen?” Castiel asked, tracing symbols and text out of Dean’s eye line. “What did Sam say?”

“I wasn’t there,” Dean grunted. His head was still foggy. His blood was still racing and he was desperate to get his hands on something he could  _control_. This conversation wasn’t on that list.

“What?” Cas’s voice was gruff, sudden. Dean dared to glance up, only to wince and quickly jerk his head away.

Castiel’s gaze was fierce and powerful, unyielding. It was the same expression he wore the night Dean had let Amara slip away, little more than two weeks ago. That look haunted Dean whenever the angel wasn’t present, and now it definitely wouldn’t fade. 

Dean swallowed and turned another page. Crowley had sent a picture of the symbols. Rowena wasn’t talking to them, and they didn’t have time to chat about where Dean was. Dean was still trying to figure out what happened himself.

“I wasn’t there,” Dean echoed, empty. “Sam went in without me.”

“Why would he do that?” Cas closed his book. Dean could feel his friend’s gaze pinned on him, willing Dean to look up and face him. Dean wasn’t sure he was able.

“Didn’t you both agree to go in together? No matter what you decided to do?”

Dean nodded and kept his gaze down. 

“Where were you?”

Dean shuddered and stared at the book laid out in front of him. His body felt like a lead sack. He was too tired. He wanted his brother back. He wanted Cas to be safe. He wanted everything to be back to normal.

Why the hell did this always have to be their lives?

“...Amara,” Dean murmured. “She found me. Took me somewhere. I don’t know where.”

“Dean--” Cas made an aborted sound, halfway between a grunt and a sigh. “Why didn’t you say something? What did she want?”

_Me_ , Dean’s mind helpfully supplied. Instead he snapped, “Like hell if I know. She’s insane. It’s hard to figure out anything she says, let alone what she wants!”

He was being defensive and it was obvious. He looked up, challenging Cas to call him wrong. Instead of the fierce gaze he’d been expecting, he found weary eyes and tightly pursed lips. Castiel frowned deeply and set his book down beside Dean’s.

“I understand that this is serious, Dean,” Castiel began slowly, cautiously, “but as far as I’m concerned, the Darkness and everything else is tied together until we find a way to stop it. If Amara said anything to you that might be relevant then it is vital that you share it Dean!”

Dean hated it when Castiel’s voice rose an octave, anger intensifying with every syllable. It made Dean feel small and vulnerable. That was the last thing he needed right now.

Unbidden, he said the first thing that came to his mind.

“She kissed me.”

Just like that, the entire atmosphere of the room changed. Castiel’s eyes popped, lips parting in a silent ‘oh.’ Dean’s posture stiffened in response, defensive, ready for anything. 

What he wasn’t ready for was the look of resignation that crossed Castiel’s face before he stepped away from the table, blue eyes dropping downward and away from Dean’s gaze. 

“What else?” Cas sighed, eyes flickering between Dean and the books in front of him.

“I kissed her back.”

Dean wanted to slap himself. He didn’t miss the flash of hurt in Castiel’s eyes. He wasn’t ignorant of what his words could do to his friend. He knew there was something bubbling between them, growing and changing into something... new. It had been there for years. It was something Dean didn’t want to name, and Castiel never seemed ready to take that step either. 

But it was still there, and Dean had never been more aware of it.

His skin tingled, knuckles turning white as he tightened his hands into fists. 

“I didn’t want to,” he muttered. 

Castiel’s gaze snapped back to his, brow furrowed. “You didn’t?” He sounded surprised. Why?

Dean shook his head and closed the book in front of him. He swallowed before continuing, “I didn’t want to let her go last time either, when we raided Crowley’s place.”

“What are you trying to say, Dean?” Cas’s voice was soft and coaxing. Dean bit his lip and crossed his arms, careful not to look Cas in the eye.

“Amara... she’s got some kind of control over me, man. It’s like, whenever she shows up I forget everything. I’m there, I see her, and I know the mission, but it’s like my arms go dead. I can’t..."

Cas walked around the corner of the table and met with Dean on the other side. Dean could feel him just to the right, close enough that if he reached out, he could touch that stupid old trench coat that Dean had always been fond of. 

But he didn’t reach out, instead opting to turn so he could face Cas head on, as they always did. 

Castiel’s blue eyes were stern, but Dean could see the flicker of curiosity and concern drawn in the creases of his forehead and the upturn of his eyebrows. His friend was always worried about him and Sam. A bloom of warmth filled Dean’s chest as he took a measured breath and clenched his fists.

“I don’t know if I can fight Amara, Cas.”

“You believe she has control over your actions?”

“Not that much,” Dean shook his head. “It’s more like... some kind of trance. Today I was able to try and stab her, but the blade shattered. The chick won’t shut up about how we can’t harm each other.” He swallowed and looked down, staring at Cas’s shoes. “When she kissed me it was like everything stopped. I blanked. It was like I didn’t even know who I was kissing. It... it was freaky, Cas.”

Cas raised his arm and rested his palm on Dean’s shoulder. The weight of his touch was warm and reassuring. Dean felt grounded for the first time that day--no, that  _week_. 

“We will find a way to stop her, Dean,” Cas promised. “We always find a way.”

Dean nodded. He didn’t feel very confident.

“Yeah. I just don’t think I’m going to be much use to anybody if she keeps this up. She’s just getting stronger every time we meet, and I keep thinking...” He hesitated, unsure if he truly wanted to speak the things he only ever confronted alone in his nightmares. 

“What are you thinking, Dean?”

Just like that, it was spilling from his lips. 

“I’m afraid Cas,” he whispered. “I’m afraid of what she might make me do. It’s like the mark all over again... but I swear the mark never tried to kiss me and make me kiss back.”

Castiel’s hand tightened on his shoulder, forcing Dean to look up and lock gazes with the angel in front of him. He couldn’t remember a time he had Castiel’s face so close to his own, but he wasn’t anxious at all.

“We won’t let Amara hurt you Dean,” Castiel swore, voice rumbling and dark like thunder. Dean shivered under the power of it, eyes still locked to Cas as he continued. “We won’t let it. Just as you knowingly would never place Sam in a dangerous situation you both couldn’t get out of, Sam and I will do the same for you. I won’t let her harm you.”

“How can you be sure?” Dean asked, hesitant. “She’s the friggin’  _Darkness_ man. How do we stop her at all?”

“Together.”

Dean wanted to laugh. It sounded so easy, but the truth couldn’t be harder. But Cas’s eyes were warm and genuine, the grip of his hand on Dean’s shoulder reminiscent of the first time they met, literally overcoming the impossible. 

He smirked and nodded, feeling the fight drain from his body until his head was resting against Castiel’s shoulder.

“Together, then?” Dean asked softly, not oblivious to the double meaning in his words.

He felt Cas smile against his hairline, his best friend’s arm coming to rest on his back in comfort. 

“Yes,” Cas replied. “We’ll rescue your brother together first. Then, everything after.”

Dean smiled and nodded. “Sounds like a plan.”

If they took another moment before returning to the books, neither of them mentioned it.

**Author's Note:**

> me: lovefromdean.tumblr.com
> 
> thank you for reading! i hope you liked it :)


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